Darius 

 

The day was almost over as I laid in bed, scrolling through social media. It was Lissa’s birthday, and I was supposed to be with her. I wanted to go see her, even for a moment and tell her happy birthday in person but I knew she wouldn’t allow that. She responded to me through text, but that’s it.

I stopped my scrolling when I saw her. She must’ve gone to get her hair done because her usual blonde and brown ombré curls were straightened and framing her face in soft waves. Her makeup was simple, but her big, beautiful lips were what I focused on in the first picture where Shayla was posing next to her, both staring at the camera. In the second picture, she was standing in front of a floor length mirror at Shayla’s house. She had on a simple, long orange dress that had a split that went all the way up to her upper thigh exposing her slim, brown, moisturized legs. The top was a halter that was low cut in the front, showing more of her gorgeous skin and almost had her small breasts peeking out. The icing on the cake was those strappy silver heels that I planned to have up by my ears all night. I had picked out these heels a couple of years ago, they weren’t her favorite, but when she wore them, she wore them for me.

            So, was I crazy that suddenly after 2 months of not posting on her IG, today she posted wearing my heels? I wanted it to be about me, but I shook the thought away because it was her birthday, of course she would post today. It was her birthday and two months ago she left our house with our daughter because I fucked up. We had been together for 4 years and instead of planning our wedding, I fucked up and she left me. I cheated on her in the worst way and a woman who was a friend to me became more.

For almost 6 months, I had been seeing Toya. We started out eating lunch together because we were the only Black people that worked at Hope Pharmacy. She said she had never worked with a Black pharmacist and that if there were any Black people, they were techs. Everybody at the pharmacy took their lunch at the same time so we just naturally made our way to each other. We talked about work at first, complaining about the customers and our coworkers. Then what started out in the lunchroom turned into going to restaurants together. Nothing special, just McDonald’s or other fast-food places. 

Our conversations elevated and we started to talk about our personal lives. I learned she had a boyfriend and I told her about Lissa, and soon she became like my best friend. We would talk about everything, I felt like I had someone who was there for me. We vented to each other about our struggles being Black in a field that didn’t respect us. She told me about her goals to become a nurse. We talked about our relationships, our hopes, goals, and dreams. 

When Lissa and I got engaged, she was at our engagement party, we even went on double date once. Everything was good. Seeing them with each other justified the feeling that my friendship with her was innocent. I felt like I had it all, a best friend, and my fiancé.

Then things took a turn; Toya called me one night after her boyfriend broke up with her. She was hysterical, drunk, and needed someone. I met her at the bar she was at, took her home, and before I knew what was happening, I kissed her. 

Thank God, I stopped it before it got too far, but the damage was done. I had cheated on Melissa. I had been cheating on Melissa.

            I planned to keep it a secret. It wouldn’t be a problem if I just told Toya it was a mistake and cut our friendship off, but what’s done in the dark will always come to light. Toya wasn’t accepting that our friendship was over. I changed my work schedule, so we didn’t have to see each other and that set her off.

She blew up my phone day and night. I blocked her number. She showed up to the pharmacy on one of her off days, begging me to talk to her. I was able to keep it all away from Lissa but that day she showed up to my job and caught me arguing with Toya. The look on her face when she realized what was happening broke my heart. She said nothing, she just walked off and when I got home, she was gone.

She packed up her and Raynique’s things and went to stay with her parents. I called, texted, showed up at their house but it was a week before Lissa made contact. And that was only so I could see Raynique. She was 3 when I met Melissa, but no one could tell me that wasn’t my daughter. I loved her with all my heart, and I promised her I would be in her life forever. I messed up my relationship with Lissa, but I wouldn’t mess up with Raynique.

            The last picture was a short video of my princess on Lissa’s lap as she opened the homemade card she made.

“Happy birthday mommy!” she yelled, throwing her arms around Lissa’s neck, and planting a kiss on her cheek.

It hurt me that I wasn’t there. Every day that I spent in this house alone, still seeing some of their stuff around as if they were still coming home made me feel like shit.  

The last thing I wanted to do was upset her or make her birthday, but I was determined to see her. I needed to see her. It had been too long since I laid eyes on her and there was so much to say that I tried and failed to say over the phone or through text. All of which she shut down anyway as soon as she knew it was coming. I wanted to touch her, hug her, smell her. She cut me off from all access to her and only sent her parents to bring Raynique to me.

I got up out of my bed and headed to the bathroom to turn on the shower. I walked to my closet and stared at my clothes, trying to decide it I was going to dress casually or dress up. The waves of nerves I suddenly felt in my stomach shocked the hell out of me because I prayed she wouldn’t turn me away.