Melissa  

I had to be a glutton for punishment, or a woman scarred and scared.

 

It had been a whole month since the barbecue, and I panicked once I got home with Darius and Ray. He calmed me down to stay the night, but in the morning, I was back in the basement at my parent’s house. Darius was patient, coming to take me to work every day and picking me up. Ray stayed with him, she missed her room too much and he convinced her that Gi-Gi and Grandpa had to take care of me since I was having a baby soon. That kept her curious questions to a minimum, now that she knew she was getting a little brother or sister soon.

 

A conversation I had had with Shayla ran through my mind.

 

“You can’t hold him to the fire forever though, because it’s clear you still love him. A lot.” she had said.

 

“Forgiveness is a choice. A choice you have to make over and over again. I don’t know if I can do it.” I countered.

 

“And that’s real, that’s ok. But then allow him to move on and yourself too.”

 

The thought of Darius moving on made me sick. That man still held the keys to my heart and every time I saw him, he unlocked a new part. On top of making sure he was my personal chauffeur, he sent lunch to my office; he bought me prenatal vitamins and signed me up for birthing classes because the office has suddenly got so busy, and I barely had time to sit and be pregnant. He made time to come see me on the weekends and on his off days to make sure that I knew he was completely committed to loving my heart back whole. To the dismay of my hormonal state, he kept sex off the table so it wouldn’t cloud his intentions. He wanted me to be thinking clearly about where I wanted him in my life. I wanted him between my legs, but I digress.

 

I was making breakfast when he came storming into the house to bring Raynique to see me. He had the contact information of an OBGYN that was recommended from the network of doctors he knew. He slammed the paper down on the kitchen counter next to where I was scarfing down a bagel. 

 

“The fact that you haven’t been to the doctor yet is crazy, Lissa! Like what the hell is wrong with you?” He scared the shit out of me, making me feel like I got caught in the cookie jar.

 

“What? Are people snitching on me? How do you know that?”

 

“You haven’t invited me to any appointments unless you been going alone, and you wouldn’t do that would you?”

 

“Of course not, Darius, I’ve been looking I just haven’t found the right doctor, I promise I’ll make an appointment today.”

 

“You better, you’re 4 months pregnant and haven’t seen a doctor yet. I’ll be calling them make sure that you make that appointment, too. Keep playing with my baby and I will sit your ass down this whole pregnancy if you don’t tighten the fuck up.”

 

“I-” he held his hand up before I could finish speaking.

 

“I don’t want to hear it, Melissa. I been trying to be patient but you not coming home, but this on top of all that’s going on is pushing me over the edge.”

 

“I just need to figure some some stuff out.”

 

“Like what? Do you love me? Do you want to be with me?”

 

“Yes, I do.”

 

“Then get your shit so you can leave with me tonight, then. I need you home so I can take care of you. I’m already claiming that I’m your husband and a husband takes care of his wife, at home.” Darius stood up and stepped behind me before he lightly ran his lips down the back of my neck, making my warm all over and my pussy start the waterworks. 

 

“Darius, I-” he stopped and stood up straight, glaring at me. 

 

“Im not playing, I miss you, Lissa. Ray misses having you at home too. I gotta get back good with you, which I would say is going good considering I can see your body reacting to me right now. You call me every day, you let me come pick you up and you been letting me take you out. What’s the problem?”

 

“Don’t even do too much, I blame the hormones.” I joke because again, I had to be a glutton for punishment. I knew he wouldn’t take that well.

           

Before I knew it, he was in my face with his hand snatching my chin up to look at him; anger and maybe hurt rolling across his features. 

           

“Hey! Stop by this bullshit! You coming home with me tonight.” Fear rolled through my body, taking any ounce of humor I was using to mask my pain. I was scared that I would break us more. We were fragile already; the cracks in our relationship would only get bigger if I brought my distrust back into our home. I would wonder about him, and I would fear my own doubt spreading and growing like mold until it suffocated us.

 

“What if we break?” I whispered. His face softened and he let out a deep breath. He pulled my face to his and brushed my lips with his.

 

“We won’t, I won’t let us.”

 

“You promise?”

 

“I do, now do you trust me?” Did I? The real question was, was it crazy that I did, after all this? Was it me who I didn’t trust?

 

“Don’t do that, Lissa. Don’t question yourself. What do you need from me?”

 

“I need all of you, from here on out. I’m your one and only.”

 

“You’re my one and only, Melissa. I know I broke your trust and your heart, but I promised you that I would spend the rest of my life making it up to you no matter if we stayed together or not. We will stay together. I know you still love me. I still see it in your eyes so I’m telling you to bring your ass home. You got til I get off work to get your shit cuz you coming home tonight. I’m done sleeping without my family. You and me gone work this shit out, we getting married and we having this baby, understand.”

 

Hot tears poured from my eyes and ran down to his hands. He pulled me into him and rubbed my back. My heart hurt and it was his fault but at the same time I didn’t want anyone to fix it but him. The feeling was conflicting and no matter how hard I tried; I couldn’t stop myself from loving him. I cried harder knowing what I wanted. I wanted my man and my family. I wanted Darius to fix my broken heart. I wanted to believe that he would never purposely hurt me again, and I wanted to stay in his arms forever. His voice soothed my aching heart as he whispered in my ear: 

 

“I love you Melissa and I swear to God I’ll never willingly hurt you again.” 

 

Continuing to want him in my bed but not back into my heart wasn’t fair to him, or even to me. What was I doing? I knew what I wanted, and I was punishing myself for it. He placed a kiss to my head and unraveled from me before he grabbed his keys and headed to the door.

 

“Don’t forget to send me a calendar invite or text for the appointment.” His last words to me as he walked out of the front door. I nodded, knowing I would be calling as soon as he walked out.

 

I calmed down enough to realize how good he looked in the slacks and button down he was wearing, and I could smell the fresh scent of cologne as he leaned over me. I thought about how lucky I was to have a successful man to be the father to my babies. A man who would fight for my heart.

 

“Ah!” I sat up and my hand flew to my belly as the small flutters of my baby started. Tears instantly came to my eyes; this was the first movement I had felt of my baby.

 

This was a sign that the decision I just made in my mind was the right one. I got up to go pack my things so I could go home tonight.